I'm a big girl now!

This is not what I signed up for.

When I registered for this college orientation thing, I had expectations of an amazing bonding experience designed to help my son ease into college as I slowly let the withered umbilical cord unravel.

We had such a fun ride up here to Boston. He’d made cd’s for the ride – a mix of some of his favorite music that he thought I’d like and some tunes that are favorites of us both. We laughed and talked companionably as we always do when we travel together.

Once on campus, we were directed to our different dorm buildings. I had no problem with this. It was good that he was in a separate building. After all, the symbolism of staying in separate buildings, but not too far away from one another, was so appropriate! Besides, mine had air conditioning! J

He walked to his dorm and I began the schlep over to my room. While I was still trying to find my building, my phone rang. “What were you thinking of doing tonight?” he asked. “I’m not in my room yet.” I replied. “Let me call you when I get there.” “Oh, okay.” He said. “Call me as soon as you can 'cause there’s a bunch of activities scheduled for tonight, and I was thinking I might do something.”

Thud.

Just like that, I felt myself become superfluous. All of a sudden, I was that one extra sock that comes back from the laundry without a mate.  I was the good, but hopefully never needed spare tire in the car trunk; I was the end of the loaf of white bread that no one eats unless all of the other bread is gone and someone is hungry and craving peanut butter! I had an obvious purpose that I had served, but my services were not needed right now – and might never be needed again.

After waffling back and forth about how to handle this uncomfortable situation, I eventually and with GREAT reluctance told him to go and join the other kids for a movie. It wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t pretty. I was – in a word – pathetic. But just as I heard myself start to whine at him, I was shocked back into my “good mom” persona. And I let him go.

We began walking toward Huntington Ave., where his dorm room was. I wanted to see where he was staying before we went our separate ways. As we crossed the street near the T Line (the Boston “subway”), I asked him “What time is it?” “6:26” he replied. “Why?”

 “Well,” I said, “It occurs to me that if I’d known we weren’t going to do anything tonight, I could have gone to church.” He thought I was kidding, of course. “No. Really” I said, “There’s a 6:30 service at Trinity on Copley Square. I could have gone.” (And if you're thinking that I may have been whining a bit, you are right.)

“Can’t you still go and just get there a little late?” he asked.

And with that simple question, he had set me free.

 Well of course I could be late for church! What difference would it make to anyone but me?  And then I realized. I didn’t need to see his room. I needed to seize the moment to be the independent mother of an independent son. He was becoming his new self. He was exactly where he belonged. I needed to become my new self. I had to do something that was meaningful and important to me – to find out where I belonged!

 So I told him to have a good time at the movies and I ran back across the street to catch “the T” to Copley Square. A train was approaching, but I had no ticket! As the door opened I asked the conductor: “Can I pay in cash?” “No,” he said. “It’s broken.” I was crestfallen and almost missed him saying “Get on anyway.”

That kind man had no idea how much that free ride to church meant to me!

After two stops, we finally got to Copley Square. I rushed past other commuters to get up the stairs to the street and over to Trinity Church. I was elated as I walked up the side aisle toward the front of the church. As it turned out, I had already missed the entire “Liturgy of the Word.” And, I didn’t remember to get a bulletin at the door, so I didn’t have the exact prayers or know the words of the hymns we sang.

But as I passed the peace with those in the surrounding pews, I knew that I was going to be okay in this new life of mine. I had been a little confused there for a while, but I’d found my way back to me and what I needed. Sitting there, I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.